The Sixteenth: What I've Learned

This is what I've learned in my years and years of disordered eating, weight gain, and weight loss.

1) If someone you love is having these problems, shut up.

No, really. You're just trying to be supportive? That's a very nice sentiment. DON'T ACT ON IT. No, seriously. No comments, no encouragement, no questions, NOTHING. Despite many, many discussions about this, A just told me he's proud of me and that he can see more muscle, and now I have spent my day obsessing. THAT'S NOT HELPFUL. If that doesn't help, neither will your extremely misguided "hard love" or "telling it like it is" or "honesty". Your loved one is in serious trouble? Send them to a professional. YOU, YOURSELF, CANNOT DO ANYTHING, EXCEPT SOMETHING BAD.

2) Baby steps.

It is very tempting to go on an extreme diet/exercise kick because you see huge results in a very short amount of time. But, aside from being unhealthy, that is just really hard to do. Lots of discipline, lots of misery, lots of pain all of a sudden. Make changes really, really, really easy on yourself. If you keep derailing, keep reducing the change until you don't. I'm serious. Five minutes of exercising a day can grow. Forty-five minutes a day won't if you give up after two days.

3) Invest/Plan.

Be very, very realistic (this is key), and set yourself up from the beginning with anything you could possibly want/need. Change the plan if it's unrealistic (and be extremely honest with yourself about what you will and won't do). Anything you can get to make the experience more pleasant is WORTH THE MONEY.

Initially, I never wanted to invest in any equipment until I could prove to myself that I would stick with it. I never bought myself an mp3 player for running, because I felt I had never run long enough to warrant the expense. A bought me one for my birthday, and it is so, so, so much more pleasant to run now. And I run longer, faster, better.

Seriously, buy/do anything that will make your regimen easier/more pleasant. You will stave off derailment.

4) Eating disorders are unique.

Your eating disorder and all its attendant stuff is not going to be like anybody else's exactly. No one professional, no one book, no one website, no one diagnosis, no one diet is going to be the key. But, all of these things can help. Consult everything, and try everything. It will be a long, long process to find exactly what combination of things helps you. Good luck.

5) The public is deeply stupid.

Most people with severe weight issues have a very serious underlying problem, be it depression, compulsion, medical, or situational. THEY DID NOT SUDDENLY CHOOSE TO BE ANOREXIC OR OBESE OR CONSTANTLY FIGHTING 20 POUNDS OR WHATEVER.

You tell anyone doesn't understand how you "let" yourself get that way (as if you don't hate it, as if he/she actually put effort into his/her naturally good eating habits, as if he/she isn't a complete moron) to stuff it.

If you want to check my references before you follow my advice (or if you seriously love dense reading), here are my experiences with my stuff in full:

Exercise: Before college, I played team sports my whole life, but I never exercised during the off-season or anytime outside of practice. No one in my family exercised regularly (except for my sister, who was an accomplished college athlete), so I genuinely thought that people who went to the gym were complete health nuts who also chugged raw eggs and ate wheat germ while running marathons.

In college, intramural sports conflicted with my Italian classes, so I was almost totally inactive for the first three years. However, in that time, I observed tons and tons and tons of totally normal people going to the gym all the time and realized that the average healthy person works out several times a week.

The summer after my junior year, I started working out. I had a really unusual internship in the Florida Keys where the people I met went nowhere, got bitter, and died. There was NOTHING to do outside of my job. NO ONE who was at all interested in doing anything ever. NO PLACE to spend time that was affordable and interesting. Except this one beautiful gym. There, people cared about health, happiness, and the future. The gym was clean and new. It was a lovely, lovely atmosphere. I went every day at lunch time.

Senior year, I went to the gym sporadically, usually being very responsible and then very bad in cycles. After college, I did some intramural sports at my job and went to the gym and got some personal training sessions with A, but all of that did not amount to regular, frequent exercise.

This past summer/fall in China, I ran on the dirt road behind the school for several weeks until the administrators told me they were very, very concerned that I'd get bitten by one of the stray (and, admittedly, very aggressive) dogs that belonged the local farmers who worked back there. So I started doing the occasional workout video in my apartment, but nothing significant.

Five weeks ago, I began a half-marathon training program, currently running about 4 days a week.

Eating: Until college, I ate the healthy food my parents provided when I liked it (I am a very picky eater), threw away anything I didn't like (in elementary school, this was usually my entire lunch), and scavenged junk food from any available source. My success with the latter was moderated by my lack of funds and the limited generosity of my schoolmates, so I generally ate a mostly healthy diet with some junk food in moderation.

I had/have a massive sweet tooth, which my father was particularly worried about. His excessive restrictions turned sugar into an absolute obsession for me--I ate any available sweets, whether I was hungry or not, whether it was good or not, because I never knew when I was going to get another opportunity.

The summer before my junior year of high school, I slimmed down due an active, healthy lifestyle at summer camp and loved the results. I decided to continue avoiding junk food (which was not available at camp) and to eat well. That was a really busy school year for me (two AP's, soccer, and waterpolo), so I fell into the habit of eating the same thing every day. It was very healthful food, but not enough calories or protein to fuel what I was burning in waterpolo. Unfortunately, I had neither the time, nor the energy, nor the awareness to pay more attention to my hunger pains.

After my weight plummeted (and my period stopped), my worried mother took me to a nutritionist who put me on a weight-gaining diet. After ignoring hunger for so long, I was directed by a professional to ignore satiation, to eat no matter what my body said. To this day, seven years later, I still can't read my body's signals. To this day, I have a problem with overeating.

Freshman year of college, I developed a very serious problem with bingeing. I lived right next to the dining hall, all freshmen had the unlimited meal plan, and, for the first time, I had no parents restricting my junk food.

After the initial horror and a flurry of failed ambitious diets, I tried to focus more on learning how to maintain my weight and to understand my compulsion. This took the edge off the crazy. I began weathering the binges way better by making a point of giving in as soon as the cravings hit and reminding myself that it was temporary, that I would eat well afterwards (I tend to eat light, fresh fare when I'm not bingeing), that my simple goal of maintaining allowed for some binges. As soon as I stopped resisting/stressing about the binges, they became less frequent and shorter.

During the rest of college, by paying careful attention and trying a thousand different ways of eating, I figured out my own disorder. As my understanding of my triggers/neuroses/habits/cravings grew, my bingeing got less and less.

After college, I started eating a bowl of Grape-Nuts (what? they're good!) every morning. I had large meals once or twice a day (classic for those with hunger/satiation problems) at constantly varying times of the day (I'm disorganized), eating mostly healthful foods except during binges. Binges happened once/twice a week on average and usually took the form of a pint of ice cream, or half a cake.

This December, I finally succeeded (after many, many attempts since college) in giving up sugar, which is what I always binge on. This was largely assisted by the fact that I was in China, where there was only one tempting sugary item (Oreos), but I'm in the habit of no sugar now, so I can resist the temptations at home.

This week, I have just started eating small amounts frequently and at regular times. The food is almost the same every day. Sometimes (often) I eat until I'm good and full, which I know is past satiation, but I am not really bingeing anymore.

Weight: My weight was very normal most of my life. No problems before puberty. After puberty, I wasn't perfect with a flat stomach, but normal and stable enough that I really never thought about it much.

Junior year of high school, I slimmed down and had that perfect flat stomach, which made me very happy (even when I got too thin). Unfortunately, I think this is when I started to think about my weight all the time, even if it was all good thoughts at that time.

Later that year, I briefly followed the nutritionist's diet and started a steady, unstoppable weight gain that continued through the end of high school. I began college having just gained another 10 lbs. during a totally inactive the summer on the couch.

During my first year of college, I gained 40 pounds--30 during the first semester alone.

The following summer, I managed to stop gaining (I tapped out around 195) and maintained in the 180's, which gave me the chance to finally get used to my new, larger body. I faced buying new clothes (I had been living in pajama pants) and generally began feeling more attractive.

In the next 2 1/2 years of college, as I learned more about my eating disorder and my bingeing improved, I slowly lost 30ish pounds and then plateaued, hovering in the 160's for all of last semester senior year and for many months after graduation (about a year total).

In the last 1 1/2 years, with slight increases in exercise, I've been hovering in the 150's. I'm fairly happy with my body at this weight, and I'm not that worried about my eating, so my motivation to make anymore lifestyle changes is pretty weak. (I'm not sure what finally made me stick with giving up sugar -- low resolve derailed me half a dozen times before I really did it.)

Future: These days I have become more proactive about my health, which is causing some weight loss again. I began exercising because I am totally sick of being weak, and because I am going to hike across England with my mother in September, for which I need to build up some endurance. Plus, for my lifelong health (I've been thinking a lot about my future since A and I made a lot of grown-up future decisions), I should really be exercising regularly and getting enough Calcium starting now.

The truly shocking thing is that I just realized that my priorities have changed so much. No, I'm still not the vision of skinny perfection I've been dreaming about for seven years, but, honest-to-goodness (and contrary to an earlier post), I don't really care that much anymore. My weight's been stable for a long time, which is key -- I don't feel different in my own skin on a daily basis, and my wardrobe fits me all the time, so I'm not constantly triggered to think about my weight. And I'm lean enough that it is possible for me to look/feel hot when I want to.

What I do care about is that I ran to class the other day (I was late) and didn't get winded at all. And, two days ago I was most of the way around my first lap on the track when I realized that I was still breathing normally through my nose! I used to think about all the jaws I could drop and the insane first impressions I could make with my hot, hard-bodied self, but these days I am fantasizing about the day I can write an email home that says,


Dear Family,

Today I ran 10 miles.

Love, Molly


I mean, me. Ten miles. That's a lot of miles.

.....

That's the story for now.

The Fifteenth: BOOYAH!

_
Check me out! C and I went to the market on Thursday, and lookie what I bought!
















AND, I actually cooked and ate some!
















Thank you, thank you. You are too kind, but really, there is no need for applause.

:)__ :) __ :)

The Fourteenth: Fitness Update

I just woke up. I feel as if someone beat me up and poured me into my bed. My legs are tired, yo.

I wish the magical breakfast fairy would transport something directly into my stomach so it would stop complaining about my (extremely necessary) staying in bed.

I'm on schedule with my running if I go again tonight, and I'm doing fine food-wise, except ...still no veggies (and there was this one bag of chips...). I appear to be exceptionally bad at buying veggies in China.

Although, I guess if that is my biggest failing in the long run, that's not too bad at all.


P.S.

HA!

Look! There really is a magical breakfast fairy!
Look! There really is a magical breakfast fairy!















link


















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I'd like a bagel, please. With PLENTY of cream cheese and maybe some of that bacon. And a glass of real honest-to-goodness nonfat American milk.

Sigh.

The Thirteenth: I've been reading too many wedding blogs.

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I'm going to name all my daughters Glassine, and all the boys shall be Gocco.

The Twelfth: "So you're coming home soon, right?"

A has this resigned little way of saying that, and it just breaks my heart. My being here has been very hard on him. It's difficult for me, and I miss him too, but it's definitely harder on him.
I asked him if he'd prefer that I came home for July/August and traveled September/November instead of coming home for August and traveling in July and September.

A: Hi baby. About your idea: of course it would be wonderful if you were home in just over 3 months. Of course it’d be great if you were here in July and August. But the idea of watching you leave again for another 2 months is so freaking depressing that don’t know what’s better. So you decide.

Today I asked him to tell me two nice things. This a habit I've developed because it's a way to insist that he tells me about the parts of his daily life that meant something to him but that he resists mentioning because he thinks they are too boring (and because it helps keep our conversations more positive and fun).

A: 1) i love you 2) i love you A LOT
me: Two nice things that have nothing to do with me. :)
A: all positive events in my life are related to you

A is a very direct, baldly honest person. He is extremely matter-of-fact about everything. So these incredibly sweet things he says? They're not meant to be flattering. They're not delivered with cheeky winks. He has looked at the situation, weighed all the facts, and reasoned that, in fact, (with the exception of getting progress reports on the readying of his new car) all the positive events in his life really are related to me. I'm sure, had he spoken thees words, they would have been delivered with the same feeling that you or I would use to say, "There are pencils on the desk."

Which makes the sentiment all the more powerful. He really, really means it. I am so lucky to have such a sweet boy to whom I matter SO much.

And I am the worst girlfriend in the world to put him through this.

The Eleventh

One of the teachers in my office talks loudly to herself all the time. When I mentioned this to a few friends, ALL of them told me that they also talked to themselves and didn't see that what she was doing was at all notable.

A few of the other teachers in my office talk to themselves occasionally too. The language barrier does prevent me from knowing the content of these little chats, but they seem to usually be one of those quick mumbles all, "okaaaay, so I need this one, and that--and where is...okay, here, good". By tone, demeanor, and rhythm, I can tell when the other teachers are doing that.

But this one teacher. She is delivering full-blown emotional and LOUD monologues about goodness knows what. Words are absolutely pouring forth from her with no reservation whatsoever. Even if I were inclined to do that, I don't think I even have enough thoughts in my head to produce such a steady stream of dialogue.

And she does this almost every single time I'm in the office with no mention or indication or apologetic eye roll or sheepish grin or ANY expression at all that she's aware of what she's doing or that perhaps it's unusual.

But it is pretty weird...right?

The Tenth: Fitness Update

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I don't look like this quite yet.

HOWEVER, I did run for the first time yesterday since I got sick. I decided to redo the last week of my training, which I'm trying not to be too sad about (I had perfect compliance with my training schedule before I got sick) . Fortunately, practicality has its own rewards: the running yesterday was not too strenuous and therefore felt pretty good, so now I am not tempted to let last week's hiatus derail me completely. It was a beautiful day, too, and nice to be out in the sun. It looks as if I will be able to switch to shorts soon and leave off wearing my deeply silly spandex pants (they have bell-bottoms), and we're all very grateful for that.

The new food regimen is going okay. It's only two days old, but so far I've been conscientious about eating breakfast, lunch, and snacks as I should. Oddly, though I'm eating those things more frequently and eating better gonna-stick-to-my-ribs stuff at those times, I've been pretty hungry. Maybe my body's just adjusting? It's been a long time since I ate moderate amounts regularly instead of large amounts infrequently, so I suspect I still can't distinguish the finer points of hunger and satiation.

I still haven't bought any veggies (sleeping got in the way on Sunday morning and napping got in the way this afternoon). It didn't matter yesterday because I had a scrumptious (as E would say) dinner with the Spaniard&friends last night, but tonight I missed the veggies when I had only my hard-boiled egg to keep me company.

Done:
Bought/hard-boiled eggs
Bought bananas
Bought bread for the week (I hope it doesn't mold)
Asked Mom to mail more Grape-Nuts
Mixed up more milk
Chopped up more pineapple for easy noshing

Still To Do:
Buy veggies
Order granola so Mom can mail with Grape-Nuts
Run tomorrow
Ask Song to have two more yogurts delivered

Plan:
Order the granola tonight
Get up at 7am tomorrow to run and eat breakfast before 1st period
After 1st period, print/make copies for Special Class and buy veggies
Wait to ask about yogurt till later this week when go to make keys with Song (she's very busy now)

The Ninth: "Now where did they run off to...?"

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I teach sixteen-year-olds. Today one (or maybe two?) of my students was throwing diapers in class.

The Eighth

Poor A. I totally would muzzle all over him while he was feeling gross and sick and suffering the indignity of The Cone.

The Seventh

Dear Richmoor,

I love your granola with raspberries and milk. After reading such marvelous reviews of it online, I took a chance and allotted it some of the limited space in my boyfriend's luggage when he came to visit me in China. And I was not at all disappointed. Your granola has so many of the flavors China lacks (whole grains, berries, and American-style milk), along with being lovely and easy and light and fresh and very portable. The first bite was so perfect and in one little spoonful so encompassed everything I'd been missing that I confess it was the only thing that made me feel better after my boyfriend left.

So when I returned to China at the beginning of February, I made sure to stop off at REI and get several (seven) bags of your marvelous granola before I left. My suitcases were massively overweight because of all the food I was carrying (in addition to the granola), and it was a humongous hassle to convince the airlines to check it all without charging me, and then it was a hugely difficult trek across town dragging those heavy suitcases over uneven walkways all the way home to my Chinese apartment.

But, obviously, all that effort was totally worth it to have food that makes SUCH a difference on dark days in China.

So imagine my great sadness after all that to discover at various points in the last 6 weeks that not one but TWO of my few precious bags of life-saving granola contained granola and milk powder, but NO RASPBERRIES.

Sure, maybe two out of three isn't bad, I still got my grains and milk, but it just isn't the same without the raspberries. Because they're freeze-dried and not normal-dried (or whatever), the texture, shape, appearance are almost exactly like a fresh raspberry, and the beautifully preserved flavor brings that tartness to balance the sweetness in the granola. Without the magic of the raspberries, it's just beige sugar sludge! They have that here!

I can only assume that other customers of yours have made similar discoveries in similarly inconvenient locations (on top of mountains, in the middle of the woods) and have also been deeply, deeply saddened.

Richmoor, the raspberries are so key. Please do better.

Thank you,

Molly

P.S. The ziploc seal inside the granola bag doesn't stay closed. While it is not a problem for me, because I'm incapable of not eating the whole bag at once, I'm sure it matters to somebody.

The Sixth

I forgot my camera today. I didn't even think of grabbing it, since C and I were just going to run errands, but so many lovely little things happened. It was an immense pity that neither of us had a camera, and we both thought so.

First, there were four colorful slippers (two pairs) lined up (to dry?) on this faded-yet-still-colorful metal framework of originally used for goodness knows what. The slippers were off-center, and there were chickens, and it was all so graphic-yet-funny.

Second, there was this dog: clean, short-legged, and following us.

Third, we had an impromptu sing-a-long with a motorbike burglar alarm. I'm not sure how we could have captured that on film, but it would have been worth the effort.

Fourth, we both got clay pots that were unusually delish. We also figured out which items on the menu they were so we could get them again (it's been a crapshoot at that restaurant thus far), and my (clay) pot was only 16 yuan!

Good food and beautiful weather is always worth a photo.

The Fifth

Bought eggs. One broke. Washed all the rest, put them in a new bag. Now have very clean eggs.

Also bought bread, chopped up pineapple, asked Mom to mail me more Grape-Nuts, bought wooden utensil that wouldn't scrape my teflon pan when I cook future veggies, bought desk lamp (only took me 6 months), picked up yogurt from office (but did not ask Song for more yet), and showered (only took me 6 months) (I kid).

Ate one yogurt--unusually delicious. Will buy veggies tomorrow.

Didn't run. Didn't lesson plan. Ate chips.

The Fourth

Okay, so I went to FitDay on the recommendation of a wedding blogger. The site is horribly put together, but it has served its purpose. It took forever*, but I dutifully plugged in all the nutritional information for the food I have access to here that I will eat and all the amounts of various things someone of my height and weight should consuming. Then I used FitDay's food log (which calculates total intake) to figure out a daily menu that I could potentially eat every day to do better.

IknowIknowIknow eating the same thing every day is not ideal, but baby steps, people! Right now, my diet is TERRIBLY unbalanced (picky/lazy + rural China = bad):

• I'm literally eating fewer than 10 types of food regularly (and two of them are chips and ramen).
• Not enough protein or veggies (both require a trek to the market AND cooking).
• Too much fat (half my diet is peanut butter, and the rest is porkfatty stir-fry or chips).
• Too many processed carbs (whole wheat does not exist here, and those damn chips).
• I thought I was doing okay calcium-wise (yogurt's decent, reconstituted powdered milk in my cereal, vitamin), but now that I've tallied it up, nope.

And then I'm doing a lot of indifferent bingeing on top of that, because that's what I do.

So, from now on (starting Sunday), I will eat

• Breakfast: bowl of Grape-Nuts and reconstituted nonfat powdered milk
• Lunch: peanut butter and banana sandwich, yogurt
  
• Dinner: steamed vegetables (3 cups, green, leafy), 1 egg
• Dessert: hot reconstituted milk with honey
• Snacks: fruit

...because that means (before snacks)

• 1179 calories, 40.1g fat, 59g protein, 1726.5mg calcium

...which (with my running) results in




















...which is pretty fly.


To do this, I must:

• Get up early on Sundays to buy the veggies.
• Walk faaaaaar to get bread/eggs once a week.
• STOP BINGEING ON THE FOOD I DO BUY SO I DON'T HAVE TO ACQUIRE FOOD NEARLY SO OFTEN.
• Ask Song to have the milkman deliver two more yogurts a week.
• Ask Mom to mail me more Grape-Nuts.
• Reconcile myself to eggs.
  

Wish me luck!



*I had to figure out all the Chinese words for English nutritional terms.

The Third

I woke up today at 11:52am, after PASSING out at 11something pm last night. Just before I woke up, I had a dream that my mind was somehow transplanted into a gorgeous, lanky (emphasis on lanky) blonde woman in the 1970's. When in that body I went to my apartment (in the 1970's, of course), my neighbor, whose body I'd previously envied, gaped at me and even walked out the front door of her apartment to stare at my golden glory further.

Now, I have never been to the 1970's, nor do I have a hard-bodied female neighbor, but I am a tall blonde who used to be lanky. At the end of that dream, I was conspiring to how I might keep that beautiful girl's body (my brilliant plots included some key spells from Charmed and the Polyjuice Potion) , and now that I am awake and unable to do magic (boo), I'm inspired to finally figure out and start that diet I've been avoiding.

So after my daily call to A (for which I'm already 20 minutes late), I'm going to figure out what/how I can eat and begin. But...but...finding decent/healthy/filling/varied food in China is SUCH a hassle, and now I'm going to restrict it!

Bleah!

Amazing how being skinny is worth it.
...

P.S. To all the villagers with pitchforks, let me clarify: Worth it to me. If you are not skinny and don't want to be, by all means, that is totally wonderful. Having a body that makes you happy (provided that you are still healthy) is what's worth it.

The Second

My Cast of Characters, Alphabetically:

A - boyfriend (perfect, overly frequent topic of my conversation)
Am - sister (tall, accomplished, awesome)
C - sitemate, friend (Southern, frequent voice of reason)
D - father (wielder of giant vocabulary, loving pesterer of all of us)
E - best friend from high school (soooo smart, polar opposite mindset from mine)
Em - sister (short, charming, the familial superglue)
L - best friend (crazy)
M - mother (tall, retired, BUSY, living it up)

Oh, and

I - me (eternally hopeful, but easily distracted = too many grand undertakings, not enough finishing)

______________________________________

To-Do:

Photograph/Send off pen pal letters
Laundry
Shower
Get cash --> buy food and soap (dish soap, bar soap, and laundry detergent)
Pilates
Plan week, month, year
Respond to text just received (my phone's an inefficient pain, so I always put this off)

I'm sure there's more.

The First

Well, hello. Welcome, welcome.

I've just been reading NieNie Dialogues, which is so idyllic and wonderful that I am totally inspired. It seems that she (Nie Nie) has that effect on everyone, but now I am just brimming with desire to do craft projects and cook and decorate and have adventures and spontaneous, random, joyful moments.

I'm sure I could better follow her example by getting up and doing something, but instead I started this blog.

Today, I am sick abed, as I have been for the last three days. Since I missed classes yesterday and the day before and it was such a BIG. DEAL., I have felt honor-bound to stay in bed and get better, even though I am practically salivating over the thought of taking a run. Also, C threatened to beat me over the head if I tried.

I'm sure a run won't feel as nice as I'm imagining (even though the weather is perfect--all crisp and gray, and I haven't moved for THREE DAYS), and there will be students/townspeople/workman gaping at me, and I'll get a horrible coughing fit and need to stop early, and it will all hurt, and then I'll feel totally disheartened about how much conditioning I've already lost, but still...

look at this!

That's my view when I run! (Well, in one direction anyway--the track has buildings on the other side.) Can you imagine that glory while feeling all accomplished and athletic with your blood pumping under your wind-chilled skin?