The Forty-Fifth

Am

gave

Mom

purple

hiking

undies

for

the

holidays.

Today was an astonishingly productive day.

I

applied for jobs,

studied Spanish,

cleaned up the majority of the holiday accumulations,

went through all my receipts and paid my bills,

and went to the gym.

It's been a long, long, long, long time since I had a day like that, and I didn't even set out to! I merely started looking at jobs, thinking I could probably talk my lazy butt into completing a quickie application, and then I found several and did it right. And then the lady from Casa Hispana called and said they were going to evaluate me when I visited, and I really want them to put me in the advanced class, and I had the Spanish book right there. And then Em called to make a gym date for later in the afternoon. And then I thought, in the meantime, I really ought to pay my bills today, because they're due in two days, and who knows what effect New Year's will have on online payments going through. And to pay the bills, I had to find all my receipts, which I scatter to the four winds over the course of month.

And as my mother always said, "If you can't find something, clean everything up."

(That, by the way, is excellent advice.)

The Forty-Fourth: Gleeful!

link

I came home an hour ago after watching the first several hours of Glee with my mother, Em, Y, and Y's mother.

Glee's such good, clean, musical fun; I was sure my family would love it. I had brought it over last week, and I campaigned for it heavily tonight when we were deciding what to watch. Em, because she is such a great audience, was laughing all the time, and everybody except Y (who just had brain surgery, so he is excused) was paying attention. As each episode concluded, there was continuous, unanimous voting to immediately start the next one.

They also voted that my dad should drive me home (instead of Em) so they could keep watching it.

I'm so pleased I was right!

Also, my best friend L sings all the time, sang in our college choir, and is a general (campy) TV junkie. She's basically had her head buried in the sand since starting medical school, though.

me: Have you seen Glee? You would love it forever.

L: psh of course I have. And I love it forever

The Forty-Third

Today, I am sick and grumpy.

The illness is a minor cold than my mother and I caught from my dad, but I am a giant baby when I'm sick.

The grumpiness is due to the fact that I just had a slew of actually possible jobs appear on the horizon, and the last of them fell through today. I've been very ch

aracteristically optimistic about all this since July, but this big wave just knocked me off my feet.

Big wave + cold = pneumatic outlook.

I'm going to weakly cross my miserable fingers that perhaps my unemployment benefits appeal hearing went better.

However, I am watching Julie and Julia at the moment, and it reminded me of something that cheered me up immensely. Julia is chopping onions and weeping, and the last time I was weeping over onions, the cat was sitting on the kitchen window sill, supervising. When the fumes were at their height, the kitty started blinking like a crazy person. Cats usually squint their eyes when they're comfortable and happy (or when you squint yours at them -- try it!), but that's always a slow, languid blink of contentment.

This was, like, MANICALLYCONTENTSOSORELAXEDANDHAPPYR

IGHT NOWRIGHTNOWNOWNOWNOW!!!!!!!!!!!

She sat there for a long time, too, while I laughed/cried, before she finally ran out of the kitchen.

I do love her so. And isn't it interesting that onion fumes bother kitties too?

Kitty supervises A's sandwich.

The Forty-Second

I am inspired by this post today, because I had a similar experience with A this afternoon. It is a bit embarrassing to put this into words, but this blog more or less strictly exists to jog my own memory anyway.

A and I have very, very little in common. We have different habits, different personalities, different interests, different backgrounds, different goals for the future, etc. Were we not soulmates4evah!!!!, we would definitely not be friends. (Obviously, the most important things work, else we would not.)

My sense of humor is all quips and wordplay. A can be very witty and appreciates non sequitors, but nothing has ever floored him like the first time he heard me fart.

(Let us imagine that, shall we? You are a nice girl with a nice, new boyfriend of several months. You're both in the living room doing separate things, when something escapes you rather loudly, and you're a bit pink. You assume your embarrassed "excuse me" and perhaps a grin from him will be it. Instead, your heretofore very adult and somewhat staid boyfriend EXPLODES with laughter, hysterically flailing around in his computer chair for several minutes until he can no longer breathe.)

And some things make him laugh that I just don't even get, let alone find funny.

But, he is the only person in the world who is silly exactly the way that I am.

This is our big connection.

We often, often have conversations that consist entirely of sounds. It's a constantly evolving language, too. He used to echo me if I was whining to much, by saying, "muhnuhmanuhmanuhma" back at me in a sympathetic sing-song with an exaggerated pout on his face. I've adopted the "muhnuhma"s, but I say them in a very affectionate way while invading as much of his personal space as possible so that he can no longer do whatever activity he's doing.

Hm.

I can't remember anymore the exact play of today's events, but he's developed a response to my "muhnuhma"s that's "rar rar rar" with his face screwed up in a crotchety old man kind of way. And we were being ridiculous this morning, and there was a cute exchange where I did two random things that he realized were connected in a funny way and laughed and then responded with a "rar rar rar" to continue the connection, which is when I saw the joke, and we both laughed.

And then we hugged each other laughing because we are very happy together.

The Forty-First

I love my boyfriend so much.

And not just because he looks super-hot when he wears that zip-up black sweatshirt to the gym.

Sometimes it's because he cracks up SO MUCH when he watches his favorite TV shows.

The Fortieth

Yesterday, I very slightly got off my duff and applied to two jobs. And today, one of them asked me for an interview. The job's at a casino, which is laughably out of my realm. My mother, in fact, did laugh.

The sheer fact that A ever plays poker for money ($10-$50 buy-ins, maybe once every three months) has my father very concerned about gambling addiction.

A's cousin, L, mentioned a few weeks ago that he had been totally shocked to meet a guy who had never been to Vegas. "Like, who hasn't been to Vegas?" As I said to L then, I haven't, and if I had never met A, I think it highly, HIGHLY likely that I never would have. And none o' my friends neither.

L was surprised, but he's already absorbed that I was a good student and that I don't really drink, so it wasn't entirely out of nowhere.

It's funny how norms are so different in different circles.

Also, this morning I had bought groceries on my way back from bootcamp, so I sort of banged open the apartment door, forced all the bags and myself inside, then dumped it all on the armchair and closed the door. A couple minutes later, I was telling A something or other about bootcamp when I heard a vehement scratching/whomping at the door.

I realized immediately that the cat had squirted out the door (something she's managed to do a few times before).

A said I'm going to be a bad mother if I keep locking my kids outside.

The Thirty-Ninth

What a spectacular photographic achievement. Someone took this while that man was falling after he jumped out of the World Trade Center. So perfectly aligned, so still, with those colors and those proportions while that guy was falling in the midst of mass chaos. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do you DO that? How do you react that fast?

I've been spending my days for the last week (week and a half?) basically doing nothing except for bootcamp and enjoying my glowy-happy life with A and our kitty. Considering that I'm about to run out of money and am still unemployed, it's absolutely inexcusable.

Which is why I haven't told anybody but you.

I've been claiming that I'm applying for jobs (which I've been doing for months without any response from any employer at all, even for positions for which I'm way overqualified) and studying for the CBEST before I study for the GRE (I made a study schedule that was overly ambitious and immediately derailed).

Instead, I'm reading endless analyses of Mad Men (it is SO good, and there is SO much to think about) and finding painfully amazing photographs on reddit.

The Thirty-Eighth

Today I like this:

And this:

The Thirty-Seventh

So, unemployment's not overly interesting.

The highlights:

1) Traveling for a month with my mother and her friend.

2) Joining my mother's bootcamp class, which is the only thing making me feel accomplished at the moment.

3) Generally spending a lot of time with my mother, which is nice.

4) Getting my ridiculous foster cat back.

5) Finally completing my bumpy adjustment to my pre-China home again, so I am like butter melting all over A in love again. (I took him to the 6:30am bootcamp today, and he was perfect.)

6) Breaking the no-sugar edict; I fought with A and lied. Sort of trying to get back on board.

7) Studying a bit.

8) Starting ESL volunteer teaching tonight.

9) Behind on pen pal stuff, responding to emails, keeping in touch, studying, cat-related chores, and job searching. (Basically all my responsibilities.)

Me and my mom in England:

The Thirty-Sixth

Though I usually do abandon my projects, I didn't desert my blog willingly. China, as you may know, censors its internet, and whatever algorithm they use to do it appears to be deeply flawed. C and I were always mid-lesson plan when the government would suddenly get ticked off at our excessive viewings of grammar activity pages and block all Google searches or all image searches or all blogs by Mormon women (for example).

Usually we just had to leave it alone for a few minutes and then the pages would load again (simple, but really not helpful when we'd left the lesson planning till the last minute), but occasionally some things became consistently blocked for several months.

Such was the fate of Blogspot for all my remaining months in China.

So, hello again! Tales of unemployment in California shall be forthcoming!

The Thirty-Fifth

I had my students write two-line poems. They are all such geniuses:

blue sky as your eyes
hot sun like my heart
--Cream 370-48

mother father and weather
mouth math and truth
--370-57

One night, two night, miss you every night
Monday, Sunday, love you every day
-- 370-51

I sent the last one to A. :)

The Thirty-Fourth: Measurements

Courtesy of C's Hong Kong Ikea paper tape measure.

Bust (lungs medium-full): 38.75"
Chest (lungs medium-full): 32.50"
Waist: 30.00"
Hips: 37.00"
Thigh (standing up): 24.25"
Calf (standing up): 13.75"
Upper Arm (hanging at side): 13.50"

This week I began eating better and exercising again/more, hoping to keep it up till I go home. I'll measure again right before I leave and see if I got anywhere.

The Thirty-Third: TWO MONTHS

I have only two months left in China! This has put so much pressure on me.

1) I have so much to cover with my classes, so now I have all this prep work I need to do IMMEDIATELY. And though I had a free day today...nada.

Gonna wake up really early tomorrow to get some stuff done. Gotta work all weekend now.

2) I NEED TO GET OFF MY DUFF AND STUDY CHINESE SERIOUSLY BEFORE I GO HOME. 'TWILL BE TOTALLY PATHETIC IF I NEVER DID IT EVER.

3) I promised A that I would quit biting my nails here, and while I've been better about it, I've not quit.

But what I am the most concerned about (sadly) is now really want to come home hot. This swelling (expanding, exploding) desire has derailed all my recent mental health progress where I was happy at my weight and just wanted to be in shape.

Maybe I didn't actually make that progress.

So:

4) My skin. I have been so mean to it, and I hope serious Retin-A applications can fade the scarring lickety-split.

I've become super-disciplined about keeping up my skin care routine and not touching my skin EVER. (With the no nail-biting either, I am CONSTANTLY yanking my hands away from myself.)

5) My weight! According to the Spaniard's hotel scale and my clothing/eyes, I have not lost ANY weight since I came here, and I am no longer okay with that.

I just finally started pilates today. Will start running again tomorrow. (I'm nervous about finally confronting all the conditioning I've lost.)

Being very serious about diet. Been waking up to eat a large cafeteria breakfast, then a small lunch, then whatever fruit I want for the rest of the day. No chips, no junk. Lots of hunger. Motivation wavers hourly, because dieting totally sucks, and I'm really tired.

I wish I'd put more thought into it/could calculate the calories, but there's no time and not a lot of options in China. I can't imagine it's much less than 1200 calories, if that, so I'm sure it's fine. Two months won't kill me. Even if I am really, really tired.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.


P.S. I like this for my wedding dress:

































P.P.S. And I might like this purse:

































P.P.P.S. And, in an insane twist, I can actually afford them!

The Thirty-Second

My parents are VERY involved. My sisters and I are very happy, successful people, so it's clearly not a bad thing, but sometimes it's a bit...much. My mother's better than my father, but not as much as she'd like to think. :)

Ever since I deemed myself to be an adult, it's been a struggle to include my parents in my life without their immediately suffocating my independence with their "help". To this end, I have tried to build and maintain one heck of a boundary wall (20 feet high with barbed wire, embedded glass shards, moat with crocodiles). Both A and L think I'm a bit drastic about it, but really, my parents will give until they're severely inconvenienced. It's bad for both sides.

For example, my parents already paid for my very expensive college education. Most children don't even get that. SURELY, I am now fully set up to support myself. Like, really, that's enough.

And yet, my father pretty much offers to pay for anything that I mention I want to do or for anything that it occurs to him that I should do, particularly things that aren't remotely necessary. Last year, I was making $45,000 a year before taxes and saved over $15,000 in 7 months, and my father was still asking me if I had enough money for the movies. And when he heard I was looking for jobs abroad, he offered (blithely, without consulting my mother or their finances, mind you) to support me if I wanted to Latin America and studied Spanish. Granted, I think he was largely horrified that I wanted to go teach in Bangladesh, but STILL. That's a $25,000 gift! How useless would I have to be to accept such a thing?

My mother's learned that Am and I won't accept stuff like that (my father's utterly incorrigible), but she's just as ridiculous with Em.

And money's just the tip of the iceberg. After giving us comp tickets to the opera and typing out extraordinarily detailed driving directions to the opera, my father drove 45 minutes to intercept me and L during the opera's intermission because he'd accidentally written "2.2 miles to the exit" instead of "2.6 miles to the exit" in the return directions.

And Lord, my mother has jumped ALL OVER the future condo with A. Since I'm in China and A's swamped with grad school, my mother, unbidden, has begun to help us do some research. She says, and is right, that it is good for us to have some context before we go condo hunting this summer. But for a month now, she's been sending me listings daily, attending open houses, and emailing reports like this:

The first place I looked at today was a one bedroom/one bath condo in ----, two levels. The flyer says 1053 sq. feet although it didn't feel that large. I think the extra space is upstairs in the big bedroom. The LR/DR felt smallish. The large bedroom and the bath are upstairs. Windows on only one side of the unit, however, and kitchen walls were painted some hideous green. Also the condo's front door opened into an interior hall. the condo has a fireplace and no one living above or below. (Below is the front door and interior lobby.) I wasn't crazy about the place. However, I learned something important. ---- has a program for qualifying first time home buyers. You can borrow up to $70,000 (the realtor thought it was) at 0% interest for some period of years and then the interest goes up to a few percent. This is to give first time home buyers the down payment they need. There is an income ceiling, however. She thought it was $100,000 but wasn't sure. (I.e., if your income is greater than the ceiling, you can't use the program.) The condo was at -----, which is just off ----. ---- buses go up and down --- and there is a train station at ---- and -----. The asking price for the condo is $398,217. Homeowners' dues are $450 per month which includes water, garbage, security, recycling, grounds and landscaping and maintenance of common areas. The condo comes with one parking space. You can get another, if available, for $25 (per month, I assume--the flyer doesn't specify). There are 238 units in the complex (-----) and the Homeowners' Association has $1.4 million in reserves. The realtor, who lives there, says there's never been a major assessment in the years she's been there. The only special assessment she's had to pay was $500 toward new gutters because the HOA didn't want to dip into its reserves. The complex has two swimming pools, lighted tennis courts, a basketball court, jacuzzis, saunas, etc. etc. The flyer gives a website of -----, but that might just be the realtor, -----. She's with ----. In fact, all three of the properties I saw today were ----listings.

Next I looked at a very cute condo, a corner unit with lots of light and windows, in ----, just one block due west of ----'s dental office. Two bedrooms/two baths with a nice, but not overly large kitchen. There is a pleasant, shady balcony at the back, accessible from the living room and from the spare bedroom. There is a fireplace in the living room and lots of good closet space. The neighborhood is very nice--lots of old trees etc. The condo is one of six units in a two-story building. It's on the first floor, although the first floor is up from the ground level somewhat--I think parking is underneath the building. There is a long covered walkway (open to the elements on one side but having the second floor overhang for a roof) along the side of the building from the enclosed front lobby to get to the front door of the condo. (So the hallway is outdoor, but you can't get to it unless you have entered the building, which you can't do unless you are a resident or someone lets you in.) An outdoor hallway does not collect mustiness the way an indoor hallway does. ----- is one block further west and lots of ----- buses run up and down -----, including to the train/subway station in ----- at ----- and -----. The condo address is ----. (If you walked from the apartment over to ----- --one block away--you'd be near the turnoff from ----- onto ---- on the way to ----- High School, but not quite to that turnoff yet.) The asking price is $499,000. The ad said "Owner Financing Available" but the young woman hosting the open house had no info about that. Two secured parking spaces come with the condo and the Homeowners' Association fees are $374 per month. I didn't ask about reserves because she wouldn't have known the answer. There is a pool that belongs to the building. The condo's square footage is 1040, although it felt bigger than the one bedroom/one bath condo in ----- that supposedly has 13 more square feet. There is a laundry unit downstairs, the hostess said, although room to put a stacking washer and dryer in the condo (in the hall closet) if you wanted to buy them and pay to have the necessary piping and wiring installed. I don't see a web address for this unit. There might be something about it (pictures, etc.) on the realtor's website, whose address I don't have but I'm sure you can find on Google.

Lastly l looked at a very nice two bedroom/two bathroom condo in the hills of -----, just off ---- and near ----. (I.e., if you go up ---- from our house and turn left onto ---- and go all the down ---- and turn right onto ---- and go up the hill on ---- to ----, you would have driven past the side street this condo is on just before you started the steep descent down ---- to ----.) There is no public transportation that I am aware in the area of this condo. The address is ---- (the same street, but at the other end of the loop, that Em's friend LW lived on and maybe her family still does). The area is lovely and wooded and the condo is very nice. The kitchen has been greatly upgraded and has granite counters and beautiful cabinets, etc. It's not huge either, but clearly the nicest of the three kitchens. Very upscale in feeling. (The ---- kitchen was completely blah. The ---- kitchen was cute and nice and totally fine but not a ton of counter space although it had a nice pass through opening--which you could close off with shutters--into the living room.) There is a laundry room with a washer and dryer just off the kitchen. The condo is at ground level with units above it. There are lots of windows and a fair amount of light in the living room and dining room (although some shade caused by the unit above, I believe, with a ground level enclosed deck (with a gate out to the wooded open space beyond the deck). There is a fireplace in the living room. Both bedrooms and bathrooms were nice, although didn't feel as sunny as the ---- condo--maybe because it was later in the day and also because of all the trees all around. The bathrooms were upgraded. The realtor said that the condo had had popcorn ceilings, but that the owners had taken that off. The ceilings looked nice and flat. This condo has 1040 square feet says the brochure. The asking price is $505,000, down from the original asking price of $529,000, she said. The HOA dues are $393 per month. I didn't ask about reserves--didn't think of it. I got there 12 minutes after the end of the open house time and the realtor was just closing up so she opened up the place again for me to see and I guess I was subconsciously thinking I didn't want to take up too much more of her time. Here again, however, I learned something interesting. She said this place qualified for FHA financing she thought and if so, the interest rate on an FHA loan is 3 and something percent. With condos, the FHA (Federal Housing Authority, I think that is) looks at the health of the Homeowners Association (HOA), which means, I assume, that if a condo qualifies for FHA financing, the HOA must be well run and with good reserves. This place also has swimming pools, tennis court, and a Club House. The website for this condo is ----. So, maybe if you and A want to get a place and get it in ----, for example, you might be able to get one of the $70,000 interest free loans and then get a mortgage from FHA and actually be able to afford the monthly payments. Who knows?

Anyway, it's all interesting info. I have cc'd your sisters on this because some of this information might be useful to them at some point in the future.

Love, Mom

I bet you thought I was exaggerating until you saw the email.

The Thirty-First

All those haikus inspired me to write this for A:

Planning our wedding
Whether you proposed or not
Empowered female!

The Thirtieth: "Hi. have a good time"

A few weeks ago in class, I showed my students several traditional haikus, and then I told them that they could just write a silly one and gave the example "I can do magic/I have green eyes, black hair/I'm Harry Potter".

Together as a class we then wrote a similar haiku about Yao Ming and one about Obama, and then I asked the students to write a haiku about themselves. The formula I presented had their names in the last line like the Harry Potter poem, but I only gave that because my students look around in fear and don't do anything if don't give very specific directions. (Once I do give specific directions, many ignore them and do something more creative, which is what I'd prefer anyway. :) )

This is a large sample of what I got back (spelling and punctuation unchanged):

THE MAJORITY WROTE

Most wrote two bland details in the first two lines and then wrote "I am __ __ __" or "My name is __ __" (because most names here are two or three syllables). For example:

I am a student
I live in Hunan, China
I am Liu Si Jie

or

I like basketball
I like play computer games
My name is Kuang Ting

IMPRESSIVE ONES

I read in the room
But the room is so dirty
I begin to clean

Dark and small in vain
Wander under your big feet
I'm crazy shadow

(Written during the last class before they were let out for a long weekend.)
The sun is shining
The holiday is coming
Excited Owen

I am from Hengshan
I like laughing and crying
My name is Deng Ye

He is very rich
so he likes spending money.
It is a waste.

I'm Vanessa
Other people live to eat
while I eat to live

I can do anything
May I help you, boys and girls
My name is Wang Jun

I can't remember the whole poem (and I already gave it back to her), but one student's 7-syllable line was, "I am proud of my father".

(This student's English name is Will.)
See me at the gate.
a clever and handsome boy
you "will" know my name.

I have twenty eight teeth
You can see all when I smile
My name is Long Min

("Zhu" is a common Chinese name, and it also means "pig" in Chinese.)
The pig is lazy
I'm more lazy than the pig
So I must be zhu

FUNNY ONES

I am a student
I am from HuNan Province
I like my school. Ha.

I enjoy eating meat
If I say goodbye to meat
It is the last day.

I have a best friend
Sometimes she looks like Yeti
My name is Liu Jing Lan

(I confiscated a cell phone from this student and wouldn't let him leave after the bell rang until he wrote a poem.)
I am a big bad egg
I play the game in the class
I am Den Lin Jian

I like fish. very much.
My favorite color is green. not else.
My name is green fish.

(Note the reversal of color.)
I am a black man
I used to be a white man
I'm Michael Jackson

I am very hungry
I want to the supermarket
I need so many food

I need to study
My Dad requires me to
My name is Mattin

I'm a high student
I like listening music
My name is Shan Min

The god is a girl
I am a god of myself
So god is LiuQiong

I'm enjoy freedom
I just want to do myself
because I'm Honki

I got a stomache
I am not a luky dog
I like warm weather

I like eating food
But I'm not a lazy girl
I am Xie Qiao Yong

Like father Like son,
what do you think about it?
I don't think so.

My name is Vicky
The world is very nice
I love my mother

I like a grow up
Because grow up so heavy
I hope me quiet grow up

where are you from
I do not know about you
Hi. have a good time

I play basketball
I love basketball so much
I'm eating apple.
Apples taste very good.

(This student initially wrote a dull-but-correct haiku. Then I directed all the students to write their names and student numbers on their papers before turning them in, and he wrote this.)
My name is B1
I like the number of 3
but you give me 8

I love my home.
What are you doing now?
How to do it.

THE BEST ONES

(They often say "very" instead of "really".)
I'm a common girl
And very like you!
I am He Yan Xi

tell me the reason.
why you are so beautiful
my name is Devil.

I like sky very much
I think I'm very handsome
My teacher is cute.

You are beautiful
You're an American girl
You are my teacher

You're a beautiful girl
like the red rose and light moon
I'll express to you

The Twenty-Ninth

I don't have a very clear idea for this post. I just felt that enough things have happened that I ought to post. Those things are:

1) I had a fabulous morning on Friday, which put me into an insanely good mood in time for my daily lunchtime Skyping with A. My morning classes went fabulously--I explained things a little differently, and the kids GOT it. I had figured out a much better way to help Ryan (a student who asked me early in the year for extra help with her pronunciation -- we work for 20ish minutes every Friday lunchtime right after her class), so she left our session smiling very broadly (as opposed to totally disheartened, like last week). I also ran and showered before classes (something I wish I did everyday, but rarely ever do) and did a load of laundry and maybe even had proper food? I can't even remember. In any case, I felt like an extremely successful human being.

2) I had a totally horrible morning yesterday. Celebrations for the school's 100th anniversary were starting that afternoon, so the students had their minds on anything but English that morning. Teaching was like banging my head against the blackboard. My three classes painfully trudged through only a very small portion of my lesson, which means the schedules for those classes (on top of the ones that have been outright canceled because of the celebrations) are all screwy. Ordinarily, I can usually take such things in stride, but my patience was unusually short and my stress level unusually high for whatever reason.

Moreover, I was looking forward to my lunchtime chat with A because he has quite a relaxing effect on me, but it was then that my bloody (poor, ancient) computer decided its flirtation with dying (it had been having fleeting difficulties recognizing the power cord) had become a full-blown love affair. I had to trek back to the office to use the computer there and figure out how to set up Gmail video chat in effin' Chinese.

But it did eventually work, and I was aware that my evil mood was unreasonable, and talking to A did calm me down.

3) I did not run 40 minutes yesterday as I should have, because I was too tired and too scared. BUT, I did it today in the full heat of high noon in China. I. RAN. FORTY. MINUTES. That's SO many minutes! I even confirmed with A that that is significantly more minutes than either of us ever thought I'd run. Plus, plus, plus the students picked today of all days to take notice of me again (after the first flurry when I started running, they've been highly disinterested). First, one of my students hopped on the track and started running with me, but he didn't even make it a lap. I think it was partly because he didn't warm up or hit a stride, but mostly because he wasn't expecting me to turn around and run the other way mid-lap. (It was rather Bugs Bunny-esque how he went sailing on in the other direction.)

Then, when I had 15-20 minutes left, two Senior 3 boys stopped by and tried to talk to me whenever I ran past them. After a few times of waving at my headphones and saying, "I can't hear you!", they parked themselves in the shade and WATCHED me finish! And a workman and few younger students joined them!

When I did finally finish (I had a rough time at the beginning -- it was SO hot -- and again around the 25-30-minute mark, but I ran through it and finished feeling pretty good), the two Senior 3 boys came out to talk. They asked me about my shuffle

Me: My boyfriend gave it to me for my birthday.
Them [as if I'd said something MOST salacious]: OOoooh.

and how long I had just run

Me [all supercool and nonchalant]: Forty minutes.
Them: Wow, you are an athlete. How many years have you been training?

Then because I was going to stretch, they asked me to show them how. So I did that quickly (hilarious) and went inside to shower and crow to A.

The Twenty-Eighth

Tomorrow, I'm going to run for 40 minutes.

That's a lot of minutes.



I'm going to eat an egg first.

The Twenty-Seventh: hahahahaha

link

An excerpt from an article about what to do in the event of an ostrich attack:

Ostriches can only kick forward, and rarely, to the side, so if you're behind or to the side of an ostrich you're pretty safe. Ostriches can maneuver quite deftly, however, so you're only safe temporarily.

The Twenty-Sixth

I don't think that I've mentioned yet on this blog that I like baking. I've been doing it on beautiful sunny days in my mother's gorgeous kitchen when everyone was out since grade school. But you have no idea.

I had a roommate in Italy who was allergic to most things, including wheat and dairy, but she didn't miss them and happily ate raw cabbage and carrots with soy sauce at most meals. Yet when we went on day trips to various picturesque Italian cities, she'd expend at least half her memory card taking photos of the rows and rows and rows of gorgeous baked goods at the pasticcerie. I'm just like that, except I also loooooooooooooooooooooove to eat them. (Nevermind that I don't anymore.)

Baking is my meditation and Martha Stewart is my porn. Discovering this fancy cupcake paper thing absolutely made my day awhile back.


















Just how crazy beautiful is that? It was my desktop background for weeks, and it inspired a flurry of wedding dessert buffet brainstorming, largely centered around the use of said fancy cupcake paper things. I also just lost a lot of time poring over new cake recipes and designs on my way to finding that picture again just now. I am definitely going to have to try this


















and this:














But the POINT of this whole post is that you can only imagine my explosion of ecstasy when today I saw this:















































Sorry A, but I am going to marry this cake and, as E used to say in high school, have like a million of its babies.

The Twenty-Fifth

I wish this were a how-to for her makeup, because I really like it.









This is certainly the prettiest I've ever seen her look. And oddly, though the makeup is quite evident, my overwhelming impression is of how natural it is.

Maybe if I take this to a makeup artist, he can recreate it? I forgot that I still have to figure that out for the wedding too.

You know it's crazy that the stereotype is that women let themselves go after they get married. It seems as if weddings inspire us to finally figure out how to make ourselves look good, so why would we just pitch that newfound knowledge out the window?

Don't blame the marriage, blame the kids!

The Twenty-Third

First there was this:















Which I thought would be so cheerful-yet-clean-and-simple-yet-not-killable on my future beautiful desk in my future beautiful condo with A.

Then there was this:


















Which is making me contemplate wedding centerpieces again.

It appears that I really like succulents.

The Twenty-Fourth

These just inspired me:














































What if we hung hundreds of clear (or subtle) ornaments in the trees at the wedding? They'd

sparkle
not require electricity
be unexpected at a summer wedding
(and therefore not overtly Christmas-y, I hope)
maybe make a pretty tinkling sound

And they're made for trees! They'd be so easy to hang!

And I bet they're super-cheap in bulk.

The Twenty-Second

I have ADD. Having ADD means you will lose every coat you ever own until college. As well as a lot of other things.

But before you weep for my sorry fate, it is not all tragic. I learned a great lesson from all those long years of loss: do not carry things in your hands.

In accordance with this rule, I have been shoving absolutely everything into my pockets and strapping everything that is larger than a pocket to my body. This has served me very well; I've not lost anything, and my hands are always free.

However, now I am a grown-up (of sorts), and grossly distorted pockets displaying key/cell/pencil/nailclippers/tissue wad-shaped bulges are not as sleek and professional-looking as they could be. Nor are messenger bags.

No, I'm afraid it is time for me to foray into the world of purses, even though that means constantly carrying something very important in my hands. I will just have to adapt again. Like those Galapagos birds.

Now, until yesterday, besides feeling very sure that L should stop buying $500 purses if she intends to keep complaining about how broke she is, I knew nothing about purses. I've just never, ever considered them. Though I've been trying to bring up the quality of my wardrobe overall, purses hadn't even occurred to me until I ran across this bag while looking at outfits on polyvore:












I generally see bags and think, "My, there's a lot of fringe and buckles on that." But this one was pretty cute! Serviceable-yet-sleek, and vaguely reminiscent of farm life. But of course it turned about it be a wildly expensive Coach bag.

And I would prefer it with old-and-warm-yet-shiny-and-sleek leather like this anyway:









And then I found this:












I don't actually like it. The clasp clashes horribly with the rest of it, and it's all a bit...rough. But I really like the generally tough vibe coming from overlapping thick strips of worn leather with hardware. It's so the opposite of what a purse usually is.

I just want the hardware to be as fitting as the Coach bag's, the leather to look like the football's, and the overall design to be more effortless (like the Coach bag's).

You can see how I've wasted hours at this.

There is a silver lining, though: if my epic searches ever do result in such a bag, carried in my hands or not, there is no WAY I'll lose it.

The Twenty-First

link

I am not usually much of a girl about insects. I went to camp for years, tramped around in woods, prided myself on my lack of girly fears, and generally could handle whatever as long as it wasn't a cricket.

But this morning when I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw, absolutely level with my head, RIGHT NEXT TO MY PILLOW, INCHES FROM MY FACE, AND MOVING ITS EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF LEGS was a giant black spider.

It was pretty disturbing.

The Twentieth: Fitness Update Update

link

Rather unexpectedly, after I blogged yesterday I actually went out and made up the previous day's foregone run! It was the second time I had to alternate running quickly and jogging slowly/walking, and I was not. excited.

I seem to only have a "slow" setting. If I try to push it (because the training directions insist), I am overcome with pain and exhaustion and crippling side stitches and start thinking fondly of the sweet release of death, and yet I don't actually go any faster. And when I tried the alternating thing for the first time last week, it was my least successful attempt to run fast since the beginning of time. (Including every time I ever ran the mile in middle school under the watchful eye of my evil gym teacher Mr. Martin and his cat-o-nines*.)

But, oddly, yesterday was totally not that hard. I had a waffling stitch for most of the workout, so I just slowed down whenever it got stronger and sped up when it faded, but besides that I was running relatively quickly all the time that I was supposed to! As opposed to barely making it a few minutes at a quicker pace before wanting to collapse, coughing all over myself, and lurching through the rest of of the workout at the slowest pace possible.

AND when I finished yesterday, I wasn't dizzy or gasping. And today I'm not that sore! Go figure.

Of course, today it poured, so now I have foregone today's run...

____

*My emotionally scarred subconscious may or may not have added this detail.

The Nineteenth: Fitness Update

EXERCISE
The first part of my training directions is a 3-week pre-training program designed to take you from 100% couch potato to able to run for 20 minutes continuously (which is what the authors seem to consider the basic fitness level necessary to consider running a half marathon). The second part of the directions is the real training program.

Week 1: Completed perfectly!
Week 2: Completed perfectly!
Week 3: Completed perfectly!
Week 4: Sick, did nothing (rarg!)
Week 5: Completed perfectly! (Redid week 3's training to recoup conditioning.)
Week 6: Ran only twice, for 20 min. each. (Sleeping too oddly to train or do anything else correctly, so just tried to maintain that key 20-minute fitness level.)

This was all a little mentally agonizing because I was on the cusp of starting the real training for THREE WEEKS. Ugh! Sooooo close to being able to say, "I'm training for a half-marathon" instead of the significantly less awesome, "I'm training to run for 20 minutes". Fortunately, I rallied, and

Week 7: Completed perfectly!

Which brings us to this week:
--Monday-Thursday: Completed perfectly!
--Friday: Did not run due to work- and calorie-related exhaustion.
--Saturday: It's already 5:30pm, and I'm blogging instead of making up yesterday's run.


NUTRITION
We're just not going to talk about that. :)

(And maybe we'll get our duff up and go buy some food today, promptly four days after we ran out and began subsisting on steam buns.)

The Eighteenth

In an email, I wrote:

Subject: I love my baby today. As I did yesterday. And the day before yesterday. And the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that, and...

And I'm going to love him tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that...

[And then I posted a bunch of links to lolcats pictures and a pair of sneakers I'm considering.]



And he replied:

all those lolcats are funny. Because he is respecting my wishes that he reply to my efforts, even if I only send links.
those are MEN'S shoes. what's up with that? Because he is too by-the-book to overlook such a thing. and they are meh Because he is honest.

http://pbh2.blogspot.com/2009/04/chimp-makes-friends-with-white-tiger.html Because he always sends me links to cute, fuzzy things.

i was reading 11 Predictions That Back to the Future Part II Got Right. the whole list is probably won't be interesting to you (i freaking love that movie! Because sometimes his enthusiasm makes him so boyish.) but check this one out:

Video conferencing. Why were people in the past always been so obsessed with video conferencing? It's in every science fiction movie and book and on every future predictions list. Video conferencing has to be the number one thing science fiction begged for... we got... and then we all instantly got over.

We have free video chat capability now and we don't really use it. And you know why? Most of the time, we humans look like shit. It happens to all of us the first time we video chat -- we turn on Skype, connect with our friend, turn on our laptop's built-in camera... and recoil in horror at ourselves. The lighting is bad and the angle the camera shoots you is somehow worse. It's hard to focus on a conversation when all you can do is remember how much work it takes you on a day-to-day basis to be presentable to society.

So, yes, "Back to the Future Part II"... it's 2009 and we humans can Skype video chat whenever we want. But we don't. And for those who do... at least 90 percent of those video chats are primarily about one person trying to convince the other person to get nude.

made me lol and think of us.

dan and i went to bj's for lunch (it's a nice place, you and i should go there for lunch or dinner Because he knows I love to go out with him.). got a couple of beers, came back to the office and haven't done [anything] since so a nice relaxing friday.

see you soon, love you. Because he immediately and consistently stopped using "u" instead of "you" for me because he knew how strongly I felt about it (however silly that is).




And then he replied again:

by the way

And I'm going to love him tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that..

that's a hell of a promise. i hope you are right about that for both of us. i miss you a lot

Because he is perfect.

The Seventeenth: Going to Bed

I'm pretty happy here in ole China these days. The only true thorn in my side is a wildly off-kilter sleeping schedule that's been mucking things up. I don't know what my issue with going to bed is, but it's been around since childhood, and it always flares to magnificent proportions when I have a varied daily schedule, as I did in college and do now.

Going to bed is just so unappealing. Either I can continue to get things done or to relax with various fun forms of entertainment, or I can abruptly stop what I'm doing, lie down, and do...nothing.

I'll only do it at whatever time I actively start falling asleep, which is always later and later into the night. And now I'm going to bed at 4am and waking up today at 1:37pm.

When I'm home, in addition to his many other fine qualities, A is especially wonderful because he always goes to bed at the same time every night (between 10 and 11pm), and he always drags me with him. And when A is there, it's so fun to go to bed! He's warm and nice, and we get to talk without the TV, and he spoons me (cheesy, I know, but he's really good at it, so shhhh) until I fall asleep.

And then suddenly I'm regularly getting plenty of sleep at the correct time, and that really makes the rest of life so eeeaasy.

And, you know, who wouldn't want to climb into bed with this?

The Sixteenth: What I've Learned

This is what I've learned in my years and years of disordered eating, weight gain, and weight loss.

1) If someone you love is having these problems, shut up.

No, really. You're just trying to be supportive? That's a very nice sentiment. DON'T ACT ON IT. No, seriously. No comments, no encouragement, no questions, NOTHING. Despite many, many discussions about this, A just told me he's proud of me and that he can see more muscle, and now I have spent my day obsessing. THAT'S NOT HELPFUL. If that doesn't help, neither will your extremely misguided "hard love" or "telling it like it is" or "honesty". Your loved one is in serious trouble? Send them to a professional. YOU, YOURSELF, CANNOT DO ANYTHING, EXCEPT SOMETHING BAD.

2) Baby steps.

It is very tempting to go on an extreme diet/exercise kick because you see huge results in a very short amount of time. But, aside from being unhealthy, that is just really hard to do. Lots of discipline, lots of misery, lots of pain all of a sudden. Make changes really, really, really easy on yourself. If you keep derailing, keep reducing the change until you don't. I'm serious. Five minutes of exercising a day can grow. Forty-five minutes a day won't if you give up after two days.

3) Invest/Plan.

Be very, very realistic (this is key), and set yourself up from the beginning with anything you could possibly want/need. Change the plan if it's unrealistic (and be extremely honest with yourself about what you will and won't do). Anything you can get to make the experience more pleasant is WORTH THE MONEY.

Initially, I never wanted to invest in any equipment until I could prove to myself that I would stick with it. I never bought myself an mp3 player for running, because I felt I had never run long enough to warrant the expense. A bought me one for my birthday, and it is so, so, so much more pleasant to run now. And I run longer, faster, better.

Seriously, buy/do anything that will make your regimen easier/more pleasant. You will stave off derailment.

4) Eating disorders are unique.

Your eating disorder and all its attendant stuff is not going to be like anybody else's exactly. No one professional, no one book, no one website, no one diagnosis, no one diet is going to be the key. But, all of these things can help. Consult everything, and try everything. It will be a long, long process to find exactly what combination of things helps you. Good luck.

5) The public is deeply stupid.

Most people with severe weight issues have a very serious underlying problem, be it depression, compulsion, medical, or situational. THEY DID NOT SUDDENLY CHOOSE TO BE ANOREXIC OR OBESE OR CONSTANTLY FIGHTING 20 POUNDS OR WHATEVER.

You tell anyone doesn't understand how you "let" yourself get that way (as if you don't hate it, as if he/she actually put effort into his/her naturally good eating habits, as if he/she isn't a complete moron) to stuff it.

If you want to check my references before you follow my advice (or if you seriously love dense reading), here are my experiences with my stuff in full:

Exercise: Before college, I played team sports my whole life, but I never exercised during the off-season or anytime outside of practice. No one in my family exercised regularly (except for my sister, who was an accomplished college athlete), so I genuinely thought that people who went to the gym were complete health nuts who also chugged raw eggs and ate wheat germ while running marathons.

In college, intramural sports conflicted with my Italian classes, so I was almost totally inactive for the first three years. However, in that time, I observed tons and tons and tons of totally normal people going to the gym all the time and realized that the average healthy person works out several times a week.

The summer after my junior year, I started working out. I had a really unusual internship in the Florida Keys where the people I met went nowhere, got bitter, and died. There was NOTHING to do outside of my job. NO ONE who was at all interested in doing anything ever. NO PLACE to spend time that was affordable and interesting. Except this one beautiful gym. There, people cared about health, happiness, and the future. The gym was clean and new. It was a lovely, lovely atmosphere. I went every day at lunch time.

Senior year, I went to the gym sporadically, usually being very responsible and then very bad in cycles. After college, I did some intramural sports at my job and went to the gym and got some personal training sessions with A, but all of that did not amount to regular, frequent exercise.

This past summer/fall in China, I ran on the dirt road behind the school for several weeks until the administrators told me they were very, very concerned that I'd get bitten by one of the stray (and, admittedly, very aggressive) dogs that belonged the local farmers who worked back there. So I started doing the occasional workout video in my apartment, but nothing significant.

Five weeks ago, I began a half-marathon training program, currently running about 4 days a week.

Eating: Until college, I ate the healthy food my parents provided when I liked it (I am a very picky eater), threw away anything I didn't like (in elementary school, this was usually my entire lunch), and scavenged junk food from any available source. My success with the latter was moderated by my lack of funds and the limited generosity of my schoolmates, so I generally ate a mostly healthy diet with some junk food in moderation.

I had/have a massive sweet tooth, which my father was particularly worried about. His excessive restrictions turned sugar into an absolute obsession for me--I ate any available sweets, whether I was hungry or not, whether it was good or not, because I never knew when I was going to get another opportunity.

The summer before my junior year of high school, I slimmed down due an active, healthy lifestyle at summer camp and loved the results. I decided to continue avoiding junk food (which was not available at camp) and to eat well. That was a really busy school year for me (two AP's, soccer, and waterpolo), so I fell into the habit of eating the same thing every day. It was very healthful food, but not enough calories or protein to fuel what I was burning in waterpolo. Unfortunately, I had neither the time, nor the energy, nor the awareness to pay more attention to my hunger pains.

After my weight plummeted (and my period stopped), my worried mother took me to a nutritionist who put me on a weight-gaining diet. After ignoring hunger for so long, I was directed by a professional to ignore satiation, to eat no matter what my body said. To this day, seven years later, I still can't read my body's signals. To this day, I have a problem with overeating.

Freshman year of college, I developed a very serious problem with bingeing. I lived right next to the dining hall, all freshmen had the unlimited meal plan, and, for the first time, I had no parents restricting my junk food.

After the initial horror and a flurry of failed ambitious diets, I tried to focus more on learning how to maintain my weight and to understand my compulsion. This took the edge off the crazy. I began weathering the binges way better by making a point of giving in as soon as the cravings hit and reminding myself that it was temporary, that I would eat well afterwards (I tend to eat light, fresh fare when I'm not bingeing), that my simple goal of maintaining allowed for some binges. As soon as I stopped resisting/stressing about the binges, they became less frequent and shorter.

During the rest of college, by paying careful attention and trying a thousand different ways of eating, I figured out my own disorder. As my understanding of my triggers/neuroses/habits/cravings grew, my bingeing got less and less.

After college, I started eating a bowl of Grape-Nuts (what? they're good!) every morning. I had large meals once or twice a day (classic for those with hunger/satiation problems) at constantly varying times of the day (I'm disorganized), eating mostly healthful foods except during binges. Binges happened once/twice a week on average and usually took the form of a pint of ice cream, or half a cake.

This December, I finally succeeded (after many, many attempts since college) in giving up sugar, which is what I always binge on. This was largely assisted by the fact that I was in China, where there was only one tempting sugary item (Oreos), but I'm in the habit of no sugar now, so I can resist the temptations at home.

This week, I have just started eating small amounts frequently and at regular times. The food is almost the same every day. Sometimes (often) I eat until I'm good and full, which I know is past satiation, but I am not really bingeing anymore.

Weight: My weight was very normal most of my life. No problems before puberty. After puberty, I wasn't perfect with a flat stomach, but normal and stable enough that I really never thought about it much.

Junior year of high school, I slimmed down and had that perfect flat stomach, which made me very happy (even when I got too thin). Unfortunately, I think this is when I started to think about my weight all the time, even if it was all good thoughts at that time.

Later that year, I briefly followed the nutritionist's diet and started a steady, unstoppable weight gain that continued through the end of high school. I began college having just gained another 10 lbs. during a totally inactive the summer on the couch.

During my first year of college, I gained 40 pounds--30 during the first semester alone.

The following summer, I managed to stop gaining (I tapped out around 195) and maintained in the 180's, which gave me the chance to finally get used to my new, larger body. I faced buying new clothes (I had been living in pajama pants) and generally began feeling more attractive.

In the next 2 1/2 years of college, as I learned more about my eating disorder and my bingeing improved, I slowly lost 30ish pounds and then plateaued, hovering in the 160's for all of last semester senior year and for many months after graduation (about a year total).

In the last 1 1/2 years, with slight increases in exercise, I've been hovering in the 150's. I'm fairly happy with my body at this weight, and I'm not that worried about my eating, so my motivation to make anymore lifestyle changes is pretty weak. (I'm not sure what finally made me stick with giving up sugar -- low resolve derailed me half a dozen times before I really did it.)

Future: These days I have become more proactive about my health, which is causing some weight loss again. I began exercising because I am totally sick of being weak, and because I am going to hike across England with my mother in September, for which I need to build up some endurance. Plus, for my lifelong health (I've been thinking a lot about my future since A and I made a lot of grown-up future decisions), I should really be exercising regularly and getting enough Calcium starting now.

The truly shocking thing is that I just realized that my priorities have changed so much. No, I'm still not the vision of skinny perfection I've been dreaming about for seven years, but, honest-to-goodness (and contrary to an earlier post), I don't really care that much anymore. My weight's been stable for a long time, which is key -- I don't feel different in my own skin on a daily basis, and my wardrobe fits me all the time, so I'm not constantly triggered to think about my weight. And I'm lean enough that it is possible for me to look/feel hot when I want to.

What I do care about is that I ran to class the other day (I was late) and didn't get winded at all. And, two days ago I was most of the way around my first lap on the track when I realized that I was still breathing normally through my nose! I used to think about all the jaws I could drop and the insane first impressions I could make with my hot, hard-bodied self, but these days I am fantasizing about the day I can write an email home that says,


Dear Family,

Today I ran 10 miles.

Love, Molly


I mean, me. Ten miles. That's a lot of miles.

.....

That's the story for now.